Hi, how's your day/evening going?
You know sometimes when we are in the midst of our own pain, it can be hard to believe that things can change. We may ask our angels for a sign, we may pray, we may just crawl into bed for a week and decide not to come out. We all manage pain differently, but this last week, I have been really struggling to sleep. If I am lucky I get about 5 hours on and off. So as you can imagine, when we get tired, everything we think about gets compounded and looks a whole lot worse than it perhaps really is, particularly as I do love my sleep.
Now we all have different reasons why we can and can't sleep. Sometimes those things we worry about just seem to have a force of their own, just as you're trying to drift off, they suddenly seem to come to life like an unwanted visitor in the early hours of the morning. My worries and anxiety recently have seemed to increase with each passing day. Even though I am a spiritual person, it doesn't seem to absolve me from these human experiences.
Now for those of you who already follow my Facebook group (Facebook.com/groups/talktoangels), you will already know that my husband of 25+ years passed away nearly two years ago. From the date of his death up to this point, it has been challenging, to say the least. However, I have come to the conclusion that death heralds the beginning of a sacred journey not only for those who have died, but also for those who are left behind.
Glenn, was the love of my life. Not only was he, my husband, he was also my most dearest and true best friend. When he died I was forced onto a new path. My journey has, since his death, for the most part, been a lonely path. That loneliness has changed my life completely. Whereas before my focus was outwards on my family, my work, our dreams, hopes and plans, once Glenn made his transition, I realised that my soul also transitioned too. Whereas before the path was a 'we' path, a Glenn and Jill path. The path before me was the lone path of self-understanding. I believe this is something we must all undergo before we eventually come to our own time to shove off this mortal coil whenever that may be.
When we are forced into accepting the death of a loved one, it opens the doors of our soul completely. Perhaps it's the heartache, the raw emotion that is the key, but when that door is unlocked, it is also the time when other things begin to come to the fore. Those things are unresolved stuff that we have locked deep within ourselves for one reason or another from the day we were born. All those fears, emotions, self-doubts, second-guessing, begin to surface. The loneliness, feelings of isolation, particularly in the middle of the night when you can't sleep seem to be the perfect moment when our soul calls for us to face what is within us. Now you can try and battle it, or like so many, we can visit a doctor for one of those chemical little pills that numb us and keeps us in a vacuum of fog or if, and it's a big IF, we are really brave we can embrace the lessons to discover what is really going on inside us and why.
Only when we are silent can we really hear our soul speak. Losing someone so very special and close to your heart is monumental in terms of your own spiritual journey.
Initially, you may seek to hide away, feeling numb, completely lost and realising that sometimes just breathing takes a lot of effort. At other times, you may keep yourself so busy that you don't allow yourself time to think, or feel. However, eventually, there comes a time when you must face your soul and journey inwards to uncover the soul lessons of learning about who you really are.
Whether we like it or not, for some of us, we have to not only grieve the loss of our loved one, but also the death of our former self. The life we had, who we were, seems to have died with our loved one. The best-made plans, the dreams, the hopes you held may perhaps have died too.
Often family and friends are under the impression that the first year is the hardest and that by the second year, well, surely you should be getting over it by now. After all, life goes on right? Wrong!!! For anyone who has lost someone so integral to their life, you'll know what I mean here. According to statistics, and I personally can attest to the truth of this, for me, anyway. The second-year or near to the second year is usually when the real grief surfaces.
Why is that? Well, so many changes take place after the death of a loved one. There's the moral support from friends and family, there was the business of dealing with legal matters, estates, funerals, pensions, investments, not to mention the tons of companies you have to inform of your change of status to sort out. After that, sometimes, some widow/widowers find they have to sell their home or feel strongly they need to move to somewhere else, away from the memories, the energy of what was.
So when all the hustle and bustle is gone, along with the family/friends who were there in the early months, for some the silence, the loneliness, the spiritual lessons of death begin. Death brings so many lessons it can be scary. At times there are moments of excruciating loneliness. It may feel like you've been marooned in a dark tunnel that you will never escape from but.... and this is a big but.... if you can sit quietly, and wait patiently, you'll begin moving from loneliness into being comfortable in your own company, and very slowly something very special begins to happen. As you begin to deal with those fears, those anxieties and the realisations that change has to happen, you begin to illuminate the tunnel and if you are brave enough, eventually you will be able to see the exit sign so you can begin your new life.
Life has, and always will be about a journey of self-discovery. Have you ever sat and thought about all the things you have learnt up to this point? Have you considered how many times you loved, were loved and perhaps still are loved? Looking at those up times, downtimes, the still times, the low times, no matter what, you survived.
We struggle so much when death intercepts the direction we thought we were heading in, but perhaps it doesn't have to be as dark, hopeless or as lonely as we initially feel it is. This is why I wanted to document some of those things I am going through. Not for sympathy, not to lecture, but to perhaps make sense of death for myself and others, along with sharing my lessons of self-discovery so it may perhaps offer comfort to anyone who, like me, has been devastated by the death of someone who meant the world.
So if, you enjoyed this post, stick around, check back. I will be posting more, as and when the inspiration, or should I say the lesson is being or has been learnt and how I get through the coming weeks, months, perhaps even years ahead. Feel free to comment on this blog below. If you've lost a loved one and are still struggling, let me know below, sometimes we just need to take one small step and then another, until we finally figure everything out. If you know what I'm talking about, then slow down, breathe, smile and know that at some point, everything really is going to be OK. Well that's what I keep telling myself lol xx