Autobiography - Chapter 3: "Hello Jill"

At the age of fourteen, I got my first tarot deck. The Rider-Waite tarot cards and the world of tarot have fascinated me ever since. It was strange that one morning I woke up and just felt a very strong need to get them. My mum was never keen on tarot cards, she believed that if spirit wanted to connect with us, they would do so without the need for cards.

Now back in those days, there wasn't an Amazon dot something where you could go online and check out what was on offer. It was also the case that nearly all shops didn't sell tarot cards, even asking some shop vendors seemed to send them into spasms of face-pulling as they stood there in shock or horror, at the thought of a young girl asking if they sold them anyone would think I had grown another head as I asked them.

Thankfully, here in the UK, there is a chain of newsagents where you can place an order and then collect them when they arrived in the store. The day finally came when I got a telephone call to say my order had arrived.

I had it in my mind that as soon as I opened the cards I would know everything and I would be able to avoid disaster and somehow 'save' myself from a load of misery. Not sure why I thought that, but at fourteen, you get a lot of strange, weird and wacky ideas don't you?

When I got home, I rushed upstairs and sat on my bed and unravelled the cellophane wrapping around the cards. I was about to start looking at them, but had this really strong feeling I had to hold them and pray before opening the cards. I felt strange, like I was electrically charged with static. I was convinced this energy that was coursing through my body was making my hair begin to resemble Michael Jackson's afro. My head was tingling all over.

Now whilst I can remember even to this day, the Lord's Prayer, it didn't seem appropriate, so I asked my angels to bless my cards and that only positive messages came to me, so it would help me with the problems I had in my life.

Prayer duly said I opened my cards. Boy, there were a lot of cards. I spent quite a lot of time trying to memorise what they meant. Day in, day out, I really struggled with trying to determine what they meant. Even the very small booklet that came with them wasn't much use either. After two months of trying, I remember saying I was giving up as 'they' meaning the cards, didn't work.

That night, I placed my cards on my dressing table and climbed into bed to go to sleep. That night is still as vivid in my mind, as if it was yesterday. During the night, I dreamt of the cards and in the distance was a man. He smiled. but didn't speak. I remember the dream so clearly because I got angry with him hanging around. I shouted at him and said unless he was going to speak, that he should go away and quit bothering me. All through my dream, he was in the distance watching me. I was decidedly grumpy about him being there, I mean 'how dare he hang around and not speak? So rude.

That morning, I was abruptly woken up by someone shouting "Hello Jill" in my ear. I was literally jerked awake. I don't know about you, but when I'm deep in sleep and someone shouts at me, I wake up, with eyes wide as saucers, look frantically around, trying to get my bearings, it's not great being woken up like that, as all your nerves are on edge as you enter that 'fight or flight' behaviour that people are always on about.

At first, I thought it was my dad but it was only 6 am and no one in the house was awake. I laid back down onto my pillow to go back to sleep and again, I heard very clearly a voice say 'Hello Jill"

Now either I was still asleep and had woken up in the twilight zone, or something was really off. As soon as I thought 'Who is that?' I heard the voice say, as if someone was right next to my ear. "I'm your spirit guide. You wanted me to say something so I have".

OK, so now this was definitely getting weird. I couldn't see anyone. Normally, I see spirit and then they speak. Now I was hearing voices? The voice I heard seemed to be in my head but at the same time, it was as if, someone was at the side of me. A faint memory of hearing a woman voice in my head when I was really young surfaced, but who was this? This voice is a man's voice.

My mum had practically drilled into me that if I heard voices or saw spirit, you always validated who it was. I was trembling, even though I'm used to seeing and talking with spirit, this was strange. I sat in my bed, rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and asked if this was spirit. The voice responded with a yes. I asked what did they want.

The voice told me they were my spirit guide and they were here to help me develop my work with them, because I was going to be helping a lot of people when I was older. The voice (I never thought of asking his name) said he was here to help me work with the world of spirit.

Yeah, right, I thought. I said to him people don't like me when I talk with spirit, so you need to go away. He said my future will be different, because people will want to speak to me and I wasn't to worry, as it wouldn't be just yet.

He said he'd show me. He asked me to get my tarot cards and that he'd help me understand how to use them, so I could understand what was to come and what to say more easily to others.

I said, "But I can't remember all the meanings". He said I wasn't meant to remember the meanings. He went on to tell me that tarot cards are a doorway into different realms of the spirit world. I didn't understand realms so he went on to tell me, just like we have different countries, towns and villages, so too does heaven. The cards are doorways to different places and just like when you go to somewhere different, you'll have new feelings about where you are, the same applies to the cards. So rather than look at the cards and remember what they mean, you have to learn to talk about what you're feeling.

And with that, he was gone. Gone where? I don't know, but I spent the rest of the day wondering if I had dreamt the whole thing. I talked about the tarot cards and what had happened with my best friend at school Alice. Alice was my one and only real friend at senior school. She claimed she had seen a ghost once and that had prompted me to share with her that I too, had seen ghosts. She thought it was really cool and suggested I try using the cards on her. She suggested that perhaps I couldn't read the cards for me, but they may work if I was asking for someone else. I said I would think about it. I mean, last time I shared what I got from spirit, I became the freak of the school. Did I really want to go through that all again? Alice promised me, cross her heart, that she wouldn't do that. The day turned out to be a normal day and after I had finished my dance class, had eaten my tea, I decided to get my cards out and try again.

That night I got out my tarot cards and shuffled them. I asked spirit to give me a message for Alice. I spread the cards out face down and waited. Just when I didn't know which card to choose I felt drawn to two cards. I was only going to pick up one card when the voice of my spirit guide boomed in my ear, "you need two cards".

I nearly shot out of my skin. I chose another card and turned them over. The first card, I can't remember what it was now, but I felt as though something was missing. My guide prompted me," can you feel what is missing? Don't think, feel" I sat still, and suddenly, it came to me, 'truth', like a neon light inside my head 'truth' My guide said you're doing well, now look at the second card.

Again, looking back I can't remember the card but I didn't like what I was feeling. I wanted to stop. My guide said "You can stop if you want to but sometimes, in order to know something, you have to be brave enough to stick with it and explore. He asked me to feel into the card again. I remember saying I felt ill when I held the card. He asked me where I felt ill I said in my belly. He then asked me to feel if this feeling was me or someone else. Again, I felt it wasn't me. At that point my mind brought an image of my friend Alice, I saw her with an older woman. My guide said did I get the feeling of being ill when I focused on Alice or the other women. The feeling only came back to me when I focused on the woman at the side of Alice.

The guide told me again, I was doing well. He then asked me "Do you feel what you are feeling is happening now, or is it something that will happen?"

I was confused, I didn't know. My guide then said, and this is something that I have always remembered, "Do you feel this illness strongly or is it less strong?"

I felt it quite strongly I told him. He said when something is felt strongly, it very much is in the present, it's happening now. When the feeling is there, but not so strong, it means this is something yet to come to pass.

I said, "I don't like this, this feeling is bad and if I tell Alice something bad she won't be my friend anymore." My guide said 'If someone asks you something and you know the answer you must always honour them by telling them the truth. Even though they may not like it, they will respect that you were brave enough to share with them what you know.

The thought of telling Alice what I saw, frightened me. In the past, when I'd spoken of what I knew, people didn't like it. Thoughts were running through my head back and forth and all I could see was me losing a friend yet again, when my guide said to me, "Why not pick another card to see how things turn out?"

I picked another card and as I turned it over the bad feeling began to become light until it wasn't there. "You see," said my guide, Alice's mum is ill but she is scared to see a doctor, she needs help and you can help her. If she goes quickly all will be well, tell her not to be afraid. Always trust what you feel, never forget that Jill, always trust what you feel" and with that he had zapped himself away yet again.

I was in need of the bathroom after that. I remember rushing off to the loo and midstream suddenly began to wonder if he was watching me. Oh my god, what if was here with me now, watching me pee. I pulled my skirt over my legs nervously. Looking all around the bathroom as if, miraculously, I'd see him stood there, like a perv. Had he been watching me whilst I was in the bath the other night? Ugh, creepy, do they watch us all the time? thought after thought ran through my head of ghosts stood watching everything you got up to. I began to shake with fear. I washed my hands and headed downstairs to ask my mum.

I asked my mum if she thought spirit could see us all the time. Mum said she didn't think so, she felt that they only turned up, if we needed to know something. I remember her saying, 'think about it Jill, they must have much better things to do with their time than follow us around watching what we're up to'. Mmm, s'pose she did have a point. I guess that would be kind of boring.

My mind has always run in excess of full speed. The next day, I spent the whole bus journey wondering just what folk did do in heaven. Did heaven exist? on and on the questions came with no answer. As I walked towards the school gates, I began to feel scared of what to say to Alice. Alice was stood waiting for me in our usual meet-up spot. She ran excitedly towards me. "Did you get anything?" she asked me with a big smile on her face. Sort of, I mumbled. "Oh you gotta tell me" she said hopping up and down in excitement.

I nervously told Alice everything that had happened. I expected her to get mad and shout at me, but she didn't. She smiled and touched my arm, "You know, that makes a lot of sense." she said. "Mum's been acting kind of weird and every time I ask her 'what's up?' She says nothing, but I knew something was up.." Alice said she would tell her mum when she got home.

Things quietened down for a couple of days. I half expected to get sent to the head-teacher as I had visions of Alice's mum complaining to the school, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Alice's mum wanted to meet me and asked if I'd bring my cards along.

I arranged with Alice to call at the weekend after dance class. I had no idea what I was doing, nor did I know how to do a reading but along I went anyway, such is the naivety and blind faith you have when you're that young. I'd never been to Alice's home before. Alice was a very private person. Her mother was a lot older than I expected and the house was very simple. Alice explained her dad had died just before she was born so it was just her and her mum.

I remember sitting nervously at the table and Alice's mum sat next to me. She asked me if I could share with her what I saw. My hands shook as I shuffled the cards. "Perhaps I might shuffle the cards too? Alice's mum asked. I handed her my cards. She shuffled the cards and then passed them back to me. Oh god, I thought why did I say I'd do this.

"Because you care," said the voice once more in my head. "Oh, you're here," I said back to him in my mind. "It's ok, spread the cards out and ask the lady to choose some cards, but before she does ask her to think about what she wants to know.

Alice's mum picked her cards and handed them to me. I laid the first card down and again, my guide asked me what I feel. I remember thinking why don't you just tell me, to which he replied, you won't learn anything if you just become a parrot.

I looked at the card and the next thing I know Alice's mum was thanking me for her reading saying it had helped her no end. Alice was thrilled to recite everything I had said. She thought it was amazing. She also told me it was enough to make her mum go and see the doctor. She didn't want to go before because she was afraid it would be so bad, and Alice would be left alone without a mother.

Alice's mum did go see the doctor and it turned out she needed a small operation. Had she not gone to the doctors, she had been told it would have been a different story. Alice's mum was so thankful, she sent me a large bag of sweets to say thanks.

After that reading for Alice's mum, I was often asked to visit. Alice lived in a council flat, and it wasn't long before relatives and neighbours began asking me for readings. I had a very nice little side business growing. By the time I left school at 16, I had learnt how to use my tarot cards as a doorway to the spirit world. My guide had taught me how to use the cards to prophesies the potential possibilities of the future. I thought that was all there was to it, but little did I know that I was being prepared for something a few years down the line which would literally save my life!

To be continued....

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